There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
