Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
do herpes really smell.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
