I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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