I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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