I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
