dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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