So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
