someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
