whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
