And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I touched a dick in church today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
