my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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