just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
