Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
