that's an acceptable place to lick
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
