Actions speak louder than pants.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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