A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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