I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
