6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
