After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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