Michael Bay diarrhea
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
