I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
