I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence