Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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