I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.