Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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