it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
