My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
