apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
