is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am available for nakedness
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
