Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
