I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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