she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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