The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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