I want to have your abortion
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
