Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
