I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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