apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
