She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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