dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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