Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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