I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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