Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
