I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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