i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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