Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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