I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
