Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
