these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
