She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
