she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
