Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
