Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.