The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line