it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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