i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i think im in europe. pls send help
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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