I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
